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Favorite Films From An Alternate Universe Where Vanilla Ice is the Most Successful Star of Our Time.

Started by patrick_levell

3 years ago

You wake up in divergent timeline to a clock radio playing "Vanilla Love," a song from Vanilla Ice's Psychedelic Enlightenment phase (when he studied under His Holiness Maharishi Mahesh Yogi).

In the theaters, a special re-release of Quentin Tarantino's "Rebel, Rebel," a conceptual sequel to "Rebel Without A Cause" starring Vanilla Ice as Jim Stark. New York undergoes a Broadway Renaissance, due largely to Ice's Pulitzer Prize and Tony award winning drama, "Cold Ice on a Hot Day," a three hander (all parts played by Vanilla Ice), about a young rapper coming of age in Dust Bowl era Oklahoma.

In this alternate timeline, it's tough to find a film that doesn't star or center around The Iceman, which isn't surprising -- after all, he did cure cancer, invent the flying car (the first, a ragtop convertible "so my hair can blow" ) and unite the fractured world religions under His One True Faith. So I ask you, people of Grupthink, in this alternate timeline (which really began in 1991 with the seminal "Cool As Ice") what are your favorite films of the Vanilla Ice Era?

1.	12 votes 221 pts	Vanilla Sky Vanilla Sky is a 2001 film which has been variously characterized by published film critics as "an odd mixture of science fiction, romance, and reality warp" [2], "part Beautiful People fantasy, part New Age investigation of the Great Beyond"[3] a "love story, a struggle for the soul, or an existential confrontation with the eternal"[4], and an "erotic adventure, romance, comedy, mystery and psychological thriller, with a dose of science fiction"[5]. The film is a "very close remake"[6] of the 1997 Spanish film Abre Los Ojos (Open Your Eyes), which was written by Alejandro Amenbar and Mateo Gil. It stars Vanilla Ice, Cameron Diaz, Penlope Cruz (a reprise of her performance in Abre Los Ojos), Jason Lee, and Kurt Russell. It was directed by Cameron Crowe, who produced the film together with Vanilla Ice and Paula Wagner. 1 Comment
2.	8 votes 157 pts	Fear of a Black Planet Vanilla Ice is Colonel Ice Taylor. His ship crashes on a planet inhabited by well spoken, insanely talented Black hip hop artists. Colonel Taylor is captured and loses his voice. He is befriended by Dr. Dreus who is convinced of his talents. During the trial arranged by Dr. Dreus, Colonel Ice busts an old skool rhyme. The planets inhabitants are slightly impressed and decide not kill Col. Ice. He is banished to the forbidden zone (New Las Vegas) where he lives out his days opening for Chunky A. Eventually he spies a broken star from the Hollywood walk of fame with the words "Vanilla Ice"........ah damn you! god damn you all to hell... Discuss
3.	7 votes 134 pts	Cool as Ice 3 (1999) Stanley Kubrick's final film. Vanilla Ice's "John 'Johnny' Van Owen" (in the third installment, Van Owen is now an astronaut/ cowboy/ fashion model gynecologist/ stuntman) explores humankind's struggle with duality in this harrowing and dangerous night-long odyssey of sexual and moral discovery after his wife admits that she once almost cheated on him with his twin brother (also played by Vanilla Ice). Discuss
4.	6 votes 116 pts	Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991) Featuring Ice's acclaimed performance of "Go Ninja, Go Ninja Go," largely considered the most cultural significant stage performance since Elvis Presley sang "Peace in the Valley" on The Ed Sullivan Show. Discuss
5.	5 votes 93 pts	Gleaming The Ice Cube The Ice Man's adopted brother is killed when he discovers that the shop he works in exports horrible hip-hop to Vietnam instead of delicious vanilla. To the police it looks like suicide, but the Ice man knows better so he roars off in his pimped out Kawasaki Ninja to investigate the murder himself. Discuss
6.	4 votes 75 pts	Black Orpheus (1998) A remake of "Orfeu Negro," the retelling of the Orpheus Myth set in Rio de Janeiro and historically starring an all black cast. Vanilla Ice bravely broke the color barrier, starring as Orpheo with Sandra 'Pepa' Denton as Eurydice. Flava Flav received his first academy award in his role as Death. Discuss
7.	3 votes 49 pts	IceICEice I'm feeling queasy now. Discuss
8.	3 votes 44 pts	Cool Runnings 2: Rhymes By The Gram Based on the true story of the first white-bread rapper trying to make it big in the Milwaukee Battle Of The Bands while still maintaining his rightful place as the baddest bobsledder of all time. Discuss
9.	3 votes 40 pts	Cool Hand Van Winkle Robert Van Winkle is sent to a prison camp, where he gets a reputation as a hard man. The head of the gang hates him, and tries to break him by beating him up. It doesn't work, and he subsequently gains their respect. His mother dies, and he escapes, but is caught, escapes again, and is caught again. Will the camp bosses ever break this ice cold man? Discuss
10.	2 votes 32 pts	GoogMyPediaTube This is a mandatory at birth implant that continuously streams Vanilla Ice propaganda into the mind. Constant footage of the demigod\'s life is streamed into the viewer\'s vision. When the viewer closes their eye\'s the footage becomes full screen and like a lucid dream of living Vanilla Ice\'s life. When Vanilla Ice dreams, footage of his most popular music videos and appearances in other media is streamed. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2ZkTvLdH2o Vanilla Ice plays himself becoming aware of his own implant and struggling to free himself and humanity from the GoogMyPediaTube. It's kind of like The Icetrix. Discuss
11.	2 votes 32 pts	Melted Iceman Marries - the complete video. Discuss
12.	1 votes 19 pts	The Icetrix "Wake up, Yan." http://icetrix.com/cv.shtml Vanilla Ice plays Yan Tai So who one day wakes up to find a bunch of hits on his page from a strange IP address. He follows the rabbit down the hole so to speak and he ends up saving humanity from machine slavery with some ice cold programming skills. Discuss